Thursday, October 19, 2006
the not-so-smooth-sailing times

what's this new security thing all about? someone update me leh. ha.

oh man! i really really hate the times when i can't even talk sense to myself. when i can't even console myself. i need someone to talk to me. talk sense into me. sigh. some pple think that i can talk myself through.. that it's just some 'reflection' times. it's not. i know it myself.

why is it that it just takes some pple to say one sentence n just once, n pple LISTEN. they know. they do something about it. but it does not apply to myself? maybe i'm really not good in talking. i can't seem to get words through. perhaps i'm not expressive when it comes to talking. is it something within my control? i think otherwise. perhaps it's just that i'm really not understanding enough. i don't know. silence is not always golden. n it's not the key to build any strong relationships. honesty, being frank, n always being 'crystal clear' is the key. when one's down, the other party comes along, n help the other one up. shouldn' that be the right way?

sometimes, after you've realised that you've said too many times of something. it doesn't only becomes nagging to that person. but it's also a nag to yourself. what's worse is that it's not only a nag to yourself, you start to question. doubts. why can't i be an effective talker? i become desperately, anxiously doubtful of myself, of my capability in talking. i've always thought that just by being frank is really important. but some may not see things the same way as i do. i no longer get pissed with all these. i feel lousy. i feel that i've lost. i feel that i'm the one not good enough. but i really really think that it takes two hands to clap. that's a fact, isn't it?

since i can't be expressive in talking, i guess the only thing i can do is to pen down my thoughts. since i can't let it out by talking, isn't this the better alternative?
how many times do i have to lose b4 i start having the right one? i want this to be the LAST.

when everything seems to fail, to fail me, i take it as a challenge.
mental strain is such torture.